One of the first few things you’ll do after getting engaged is start thinking about your wedding guest list and whom to invite. You can’t really start venue shopping until you know roughly how many people will be attending your wedding. You also need to put together a budget before you begin booking a venue or any vendors, and guest count is the single greatest driver of the cost of your wedding. So let’s examine who you should and should not include on your wedding guest list!
Guest Count Drives Expense
Think about it: the more people you have, the more food you need. The more drinks you need. The larger a cake you need. You need more tables and chairs, and centerpieces to go on those tables. You need more take-home favors, if you’re doing them. You might even need more aisle décor if you’re going to have 10 or 12 rows of chairs versus 4 rows of chairs.
A high guest count can also limit your venue options. Many venues are not designed for more than 200 guests. And if your guest count gets into the 400-500 range, you might only have one or two options in your area.
So managing your guest count from the beginning is key!
TL;DR here’s the video version
The Golden Rule
The golden rule of weddings is the same as in regular life: whomever has the gold makes the rules. Translated, this means that the people contributing financially to your wedding also get to invite people to your wedding.
If you want complete control over your guest list, you either need to pay for the entire wedding yourself, or hope that your (and your fiancé’s) parents don’t want to invite anyone.
There are three basic categories into which your invitees will fall: family, friends, and colleagues. Those categories can be further broken down into sub-categories. We’ll takle family first.
Family
Immediate Family
This group is kind of the no-brainer category: parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. If you and your fiancé(e) have small families, count yourselves lucky. In some families, this category alone can run to 60 people on each side!
Extended Family
Extended family is a little trickier. Great-aunts and –uncles. Second cousins. First cousins once removed. In-laws of your immediate family. Step-siblings you didn’t grow up with. Usually your parents are going to be the ones driving this category and insisting that you have to invite great-aunt Susie, even though you’re not even sure you know who great-aunt Susie is. Here are a few guidelines for you:
· People you’ve never met do NOT need to be at your wedding
· People you haven’t seen since you were a toddler probably don’t need to be at your wedding
· People you don’t like don’t need to be at your wedding
You may have to have some tough conversations with your parents about this, but just tell them you heard it from a pro.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it’s your responsibility to have those tough conversations with your parents, and it’s your future spouse’s responsibility to have the conversations with his or her parents.
Friends
This is a huge category! You’ve got your friends, your fiancé(e)’s friends, your joint friends, your parents’ friends, and your fiancé(e)’s parents’ friends. This is usually where guest lists go off the rails.
Your Friends
When it comes to your and your fiancé(e)’s friends, a good rule of thumb is to think about when you last saw them and whether they have met both you and your almost-spouse. It’s helpful to choose a cut-off date by which to judge these friendships.
For example, if you haven’t seen a particular friend in three or more years, they probably don’t really need to be at your wedding. If you and your fiancé(e) have been dating for any length of time (more than a year) and they still haven’t met him or her (or his/her friends haven’t met you), then they probably don’t need to be at your wedding.
Always remember this: your wedding is the beginning of your life together as a married couple. It’s a celebration of you AS A COUPLE. People who don’t know you as a couple probably don’t need to be there.
Parents’ Friends
Friends of parents is a trickier category, mainly because it involves the judgment of your and your beloved’s parents. Start here: have you ever met these people? No matter how close they are to your parents, no one should have to be surrounded by strangers on their wedding day. People you’ve never met are a hard pass.
If your parents are members of a country club, or something similar, they probably have a large circle of friends “from the club.” And depending on the club (and the friends) their children’s weddings might be their way of “showing off” to their friends. Don’t get caught up in this game.
Remember the prime directive from above: the wedding is a celebration of your love and the beginning of your married life. It’s not a status symbol, and it’s not an opportunity for your parents to show off to their friends.
Work Colleagues
Again, there are many sub-categories to work colleagues because you and your fiancé(e) each have work colleagues, and so do all of your parents. But it’s a slippery slope.
It can be difficult to invite just one or two people from work without ending up inviting a whole bunch of people from work. Do you really want to feel like you’re at work on your wedding day? Probs not.
If you do have a work bestie that you want to invite, just ask him or her to keep it on the DL and not talk about your wedding at work. That way others won’t feel left out, and you won’t feel obligated to invite a bunch of people you really didn’t want to invite in the first place.
When it comes to colleagues of parents, it’s best to rule them out. Chances are, you don’t know these people, have never met these people, and have only heard about them from stories your parents tell. They don’t need to be at your wedding.
Your parents might think these colleagues need to be at your wedding, but they don’t. Your parents will be busy with parental wedding duties and catching up with family (and possibly their close friends who made the cut). Adding work colleagues to the mix just means you’re paying for a bunch of people who don’t know anyone but your parents and maybe a couple of other work colleagues.
If your parents play the money card in order to invite more people, counter with the fact that you definitely appreciate their financial contribution, but you would rather put it toward the overall cost of the wedding (maybe serve a more expensive entrée, or get the floral décor you really want but is expensive) than invite people you don’t know to the biggest day of your life.
And hey, if money is no object, ignore everything I wrote above and invite everyone you’ve ever met!
Further reading: How to Deal with Tricky Invitation Wording Situations