One of the earliest decisions you have to make when planning your wedding is whether or not to include children. If you decide not to, how do you convey to your guests that you’re having an adults-only wedding?
When it comes to children at weddings, you essentially have three options: 1) include all children, 2) exclude all children, or 3) include only a select few children, usually either immediate family or wedding party members. If you choose option 2 or 3, you need to let your guests know that children are not invited.
The Traditional Way
Traditionally, there was an easy, if subtle, way to let guests know that children were not invited to a wedding: you left their names off the invitation. The outer envelope of a wedding invitation would be addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. First Name Last Name” and the inner envelope would be addressed using first names only. This indicated that only the people named were invited to the wedding.
But these days, people don’t know or follow proper etiquette rules, so addressing an invitation only to the adults isn’t sufficient to indicate that children aren’t invited. (Not to mention that many people have done away with the whole “outer envelope/inner envelope” wedding invitation system.)
TL;DR here’s the video version
The Modern Way
Word-of-Mouth
You can begin letting guests know that children aren’t invited when you talk to them about your wedding. Chances are that if you’re inviting someone to your wedding, you know them well enough to know whether or not they have children. If they do, when you have conversations with them about your wedding, you can work into the conversation that you’re having an adults-only wedding.
Saying things like, “Let me know if you need local babysitting recommendations. We really want to celebrate with you at our wedding, but we’re having an adults-only party.” You’re making sure they know you want them there, and you’re trying to be helpful and sensitive to the fact that they have kids, but you’re also making it clear that their kids aren’t invited.
Your Wedding Website
Your wedding website is intended to be a place where guests can go to find out information about your wedding. It makes perfect sense to include information about whether children are invited. You can do this in an FAQ tab, or just in the description of the event. Here’s some sample language:
“As much as we love your children, our wedding will be adults only. Alcohol will be served and there will be no available childcare. For everyone’s safety and enjoyment, we hope you’ll be able to make other care arrangements for your children. We look forward to celebrating with you!”
Information about local childcare providers can also be included on your wedding website, or just a note to inquire with you if they need recommendations.
Your Wedding Invitation
This is a more subtle approach than putting it on your wedding website, but less subtle than the traditional approach. Somewhere on your actual wedding invitation, include the words “Adults Only Reception” or “Adult Reception to Follow.”
With this verbiage, it’s possible that someone will bring their children to the ceremony with the intention of leaving before the reception begins. Or, if your ceremony is in a house of worship, they may take the kids home or have someone pick them up before the reception. This is highly dependent on the specifics of your wedding day and their situation.
How to Handle an RSVP with Kids
If someone fills out the RSVP card and includes their children, then you’ll have to take a more direct approach. A phone call to let them know that children can’t be accommodated at the wedding will hopefully do the trick. It’s possible they’ll have to decline the invitation if they can’t bring their kids, so you should be prepared for that possibility. But don’t make an exception unless you can justify it to everyone else who’s going to want you to make an exception for them. This is where having a hard-and-fast rule about only including children of immediate family members comes in handy.
Children in Your Wedding Party
If you are having children in your wedding, as flower girls or ring bearers, by all means, let them attend the wedding reception if you would like them to be there. But have a plan in place. That means having coloring books and crayons (or other children’s activities) on hand so they don’t get bored. It also means arranging kids’ meals with your caterer. Not only will the kids’ meals be cheaper, but the kids will be happier.
You also can have children in your wedding party who don’t come to the reception. Having a friend or extended family member who’s not attending the wedding pick them up and take them home for the night is a great solution. At my wedding, two of my nieces were my flower girls, but they were too young to stay for the party. So their grandmother (my sister-in-law’s mother) picked them up after cocktail hour and took them home so their parents (my brother and his wife) could stay and enjoy the party.
Babies at Weddings
Babies are easier than children. They don’t need a chair because they can’t sit up yet. They don’t need a meal because they’re probably still either breast-feeding or taking a bottle. And they can’t get into trouble because they’re confined to a stroller, carrier, or baby-wearing wrap. (They can also sleep through the craziest stuff.)
If you have friends or family members who have infants and you want to make life easier for them, let them know in person that they are welcome to bring their infant to your wedding. Sure, they might have to duck out of the ceremony if the baby cries, and they probably won’t be out on the dance floor until the party ends, but at least they’ll be there to celebrate with you.
Questions?
If you have questions about how to let your guests know that children aren’t invited, or have a tricky situation that you need help with, feel free to email me at risa@risajamesevents.com. I’m always happy to help!