One of the first things you’ll probably want to do after getting engaged is invite your besties to be in your wedding party—but before you issue any official invitations, read this! Being a bridesmaid or groomsman is a big responsibility, and there are some red flags you should be on the lookout for.

Wedding Party vs. Bridal Party

First things first: I don’t use the term “bridal party.” It’s extremely exclusionary and implies that the bride is the only person having a wedding. There’s a groom too! Or two grooms! Or two brides (in which case, you can call it a bridal party and still be on safe ground). I strive to always be inclusive, so I use the term wedding party.

TL;DR here’s the video link

The Diva

You will naturally want to include your sister or best friend in your wedding party, but give some real thought to their personality first. Are they the type of person who always wants to be the center of attention? Do they crave the spotlight? If so, you might want to rethink asking them to stand beside you on what is supposed to be your special day.

This goes for guys too, but it’s definitely a more prevalent trait in women. The point of your wedding party attendants is for them to support you as you get married. If they are the kind of person who wants the focus on them and they don’t know how to be supportive, then they don’t belong in your wedding party, even if they are your sisters!

Drug & alcohol addiction

This is going to sound harsh, but you don’t want people battling drug and/or alcohol addiction to be in your wedding. They are unreliable and cannot be counted on for support. This goes triple if they aren’t seeking treatment or trying to control their addiction issues.

I had some clients once who lost one of their groomsmen two days before their wedding because his mother had checked him into rehab. This is not what you need two days before your wedding!

I had another set of clients who had a groomsman physically assault two people at the wedding after the bartender cut him off for being visibly intoxicated. Again, this is not what you want for your wedding.

Drug and alcohol addiction are serious issues with serious complications. You may love or care for these people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they need to be in your wedding.

Depression & anxiety

This is an even more sensitive subject than drug and alcohol addition. Many people suffer from depression and/or anxiety. And many of them are actively treating their conditions, whether with medication or other techniques. Some of those with depression and anxiety are NOT treating their condition, and I have no qualms about advising you to avoid asking those people to participate in your wedding. For those who are managing their illness, it’s a trickier situation.

Depression and anxiety are unpredictable. People have good days and bad days, and they usually don’t know or have any control over when those bad days are going to happen. What if your wedding day happens to be one of their bad days?

If you have a sibling or friend you’d like to ask to be in your wedding but you know they have depression or anxiety, I suggest that you have an honest conversation with them. Let them know that it would mean a lot to you for them to participate, but that you want them to do what’s best for them and their mental health. Let them know what would be expected of them. Be specific! Don’t just rely on the fact that “everyone knows” what a bridesmaid or groomsman is supposed to do. Talk with them about specific responsibilities and be honest.

Let them be honest with you too. Don’t take it personally if they decline to be in your wedding. Take it as a sign that they care about you and want what’s best for you on your wedding day. It takes a lot of grace and self-awareness for someone to realize that it’s best for them to NOT be in your wedding. Talk to them about other ways they can support you on your wedding day that don’t involve being a bridesmaid or groomsman.

The Penny Pincher

If you ask someone to be in your wedding and their response is that they’d love to, as long as it doesn’t cost them too much, I urge you to gracefully rescind the invitation. Being a bridesmaid or groomsman is, unfortunately, an expensive prospect. (Moreso for the ladies.)

• You have to buy a dress and shoes.

• You have to attend at least one bridal shower (possibly contributing to the cost of hosting a bridal shower).

• You have to buy a shower gift.

• You have to attend the bachelorette party.

• You have to attend the wedding, which may involve travel expenses.

• You might have to pay to have your hair and makeup professionally done.

• And you’re probably going to want to give the couple a wedding gift. That adds up!

Even if you, as the bride or groom, try to limit the expenses of your wedding party as much as possible, if someone is really strapped for cash, they are going to quibble with every. little. thing. It’s going to cause you stress, and it might drive a wedge between you and your friend.

If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience, I am. One of my bridesmaids made such a huge deal out of everything she had to do to be in my wedding. She made my maid of honor’s life miserable, and she added so much stress to my pre-wedding life. It was so bad that we’re not even friends anymore. So please heed my warning. I wish someone had given me this warning!

Being asked to be a bridesmaid or groomsman is an honor, and most people will perform the task admirably. But you can save yourself a lot of trouble if you put some serious thought into your choices before you extend your wedding party invitations.

And if I’ve stressed you out too much, just remember that there’s no rule that says you have to have a wedding party! You can have just a maid of honor and best man, or none at all. I’ve had more than one client who had no wedding party, and everything worked out just fine!

If you have a specific situation that you need help with, I’m always happy to give advice. Feel free to email me: risa@risajamesevents.com and I’ll provide some guidance!